I asked for an original genre film. Be
careful what you wish for.
I'm not sure why, but I had hopes for
this movie. I guess there are a couple reasons. Firstly, my hope for
original work is everlasting, and Jupiter proudly brandished the
claim of originality. The look of the film as per the trailers was
unique and beautiful. I'm a big fan of Channing Tatum, or at least a
certain version of him. Mostly though, I want to believe that the
Siblings Wachowski are more than a one-trick pony. Their reputation
are built upon the back of The Matrix which was a renovation of
sci-fi/action films, and equally tainted by that film's sequels.
They've done some things since the facepalmingly bad conclusion to
the Matrix Trilogy, such as the screenplay for the amazing V For
Vendetta and directing 2012's artful but never fucking ending Cloud
Atlas, but the siblings will forever be known for the adventures of
Neo and company, for better or worse. I legitimately hoped that
Jupiter would, in one way or another, be the next big thing for a
couple of talented film makers only held adrift by a 15-year old
Keanu Reeves vehicle.
I was wrong. Very wrong.
Instead of getting the original,
groundbreaking film I was promised/hoped for, I was given two hours of
recycled material on an unfamiliar background. I could have told you
how this film ended before the opening credits finished, but I
wouldn't have to because you've seen this movie before. Everyone was.
It's Space Opera 101, the same fantasy film formula that emerged from
the 1980's with Star Wars, Willow, Labyrinth and the like. Only less
interesting (because those movies are over 30 god damn years old),
failing to hide behind a pretty presentation, and has more bestiality
jokes. Seriously.
 | |||
| "I have more in common with a dog than with you." "I love dogs." "NOPE." |
One thing I don't think the Wachowskis
can do, talented as they might be, is conjure a good performance out
of their actors. If ever there was an overwhelming example of this,
it's Jupiter Ascending. Mila Kunis is so bland in this, which is
tough to say because she is damn charming most f the time. There is a
spark of that in her performance, but the words she is forced to say
in this film choke the charm out of her. I felt bad for her character
right out of the gate for being named Jupiter, and that feeling
worsened as I realized she's a god damn idiot.
And then we have Eddie Redmayne,
currently nominated for a Best Actor Oscar for the Stephen Hawking
biopic, overacting his ass off. I really hope the decision makers
behind the Academy awards don't watch this movie until after the
Oscars, just to give this poor asshole a fair shake. He was SO BAD.
Just, Nic Cage in Wicker Man territory level of bad.
But my buddy Channing got me through
this movie. Not on purpose though. More often than not, it's the
version of Tatum I hate: sullen, overdramatic, unnecessarily serious.
Like Kunis, all charisma was torn from him by this horrendous
screenplay. But every once in a while, he'd have this look on his
face like he just couldn't believe he was doing what he was doing,
saying what he was saying. They must have tied his arm to his waist
to prevent him from facepalming himself to true death.
Claiming this is an original story is a
stretch, but I am more than willing to give credit where it's due.
First, I said it looked pretty, and it sure did. The many glory shots
of slow moving spaceships and elaborate alien cities might have
extended the film unnecessarily but were a welcome breath of fresh
air that weren't accompanied by the film's ridiculous script. Second,
while the story is far from original, there are many elements of the
background, the setting of the film that are attempts at originality
that I did like, absurd as they may be. For the sake of spoiling the
film, I won't go into the particulars but I would have been much
happier with this film if the setting provided accompanied a better
story. I'd much rather see more of what was going on behind the
scenes of the universe the film has built than sit through the
attention deficit plotline we were given.
It took a minute for me to realize what
this film reminded me of, and it hit me. Jupiter Ascending is Avatar.
It's a superimposition of a tired story on a shiny new look with blue
catpeople, or pointy eared dogpeople in Jupiter's case. It's a film
bad enough that it can't even be enjoyed ironically, and that kind of
bad movie breaks my heart. The storyline attempts to do too much,
moving from one place to the next in a rushed fashion, almost scared
to run long. The movie's script was irredeemable, just fucking
ridiculous, and at least one of the film's stars seemed to know it.
We know that films in this vein can be done well, even great.
Guardians of the Galaxy proved it just last year. But Jupiter
Ascending has more in common with Twilight than it does with GOTG.
The only hope I have now is that this shit heap doesn't make enough
money to justify a sequel. I will continue to hope for more original
genre films, because this just wasn't one. Not even close.
Knight Owl
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