Knight Owl's Top 10 WORST Comic Book Movies!

Like I said, there's great, and then there's really, REALLY bad.

I shared with you all my favourite Comic Book Films in preparation for the release of Man Of Steel, but in sorting through to find what would be that list I came across a lot of the garbage that has been intermingled with the goodness. While I would love to think that Man Of Steel is gonna get a 'best', some of the titles on this list are a humbling reminder that sometimes you just don't get what you want. Again, the only deciding factor for the titles being on this list is my personal preference, and there is no real determining factors outside of that. In many ways, some of these films are better than I claim they are, but my rage cannot be objective. Also like the Top 10 best, some of these might be surprising, but one or two you will see coming. 

Please, Zack Snyder, don't let Man Of Steel join these ranks. 

Oh, hey, speaking of Superman...

Honourable Mention: Superman Returns (2006)

No, this is probably not the worst film made to feature the boy scout, nor does it really belong on the list, but it's the only one on here because I don't wear nostalgia goggles when I watch it. The Christopher Reeve films were a staple of my childhood and while I don't think they're great movies or have aged well, they are close to my heart like the Tim Burton Batman films (which are also not good). I think the biggest thing that irks me about Superman Returns is that it didn't even come close to the hype. It took 20 years to follow up Superman IV: The Voyage Home or whatever and, for all intents and purposes, it was the exact same film as the first Superman. I get making homages to a predecessor, but this was ridiculous. Another land scheme? Really, Lex? Not to mention the fact that, although Routh made a very acceptable Kal El, we had the most emo Superman that could ever emo. Continuing where Superman II left off was a mistake, maybe the biggest one on a long list that this film makes. Thank God for Kevin 'Verbal' Spacey, without him this would be nearly unwatchable.

10. The Punisher (2004)

This movie breaks my god damn heart. It had so much promise, with a convincing lead man in Tom Jane, a modest budget, and a fantastic 80's action movie story. On paper, it was a slam dunk. And then...I don't even. He has all of these guys responsible for killing his entire fucking family, and he's playing them against each other like its the Game of Fucking Thrones! Anyone who has read the source material should agree, there would be no planting of earrings, no blackmail photos, no prop fire hydrants. He would isolate each major player (something he had the opportunity to do several times) and kill them horribly and publicly. This movie let me down like crazy. Watch Punisher: War Zone, a bad movie in its own way, and you'll have a better idea of what this movie should have been.

9. Batman & Robin (1997)

I know what you might be thinking: "Knight Owl, how is this not higher on the list?" Well, my bias for Batman aside, there are worse films out there. This hot mess is so bad that it's enjoyable. Arnold as Mr. Freeze is so laugh-out-loud terrible that he makes this movie one of the funniest of his career. George 'The Coolest Guy in the Room' Clooney's turn as Batman was disastrous, made worse only by him still referencing that he was Batman once in public. This film committed many crimes, the biggest of which might be the use of Bane as Poison Ivy's Hodor. Basically, this was a two-hour long toy commercial, and it nearly killed the franchise. It took a rare visionary like Christopher Nolan to bring the Bat back. Do not let this happen again. 

8. Hulk (2003)

This film accomplished the vexing task of making a two-hour film about a giant rage monster boring as fuck. The Comic Book Film archetype was still being nurtured at this point (with X-Men and Spider Man being the front runners), so there was still some work to be done in figuring out what worked. But holy shit, this movie was about so many things that no one was paying to see. Ang Lee tried to make Hulk more than it was, a cerebral dramatic thriller that just so happened to feature the fucking Hulk as opposed to the Comic Book Movie that so many (me included) were expecting. Sometimes you want an Oscar winning drama, sometimes you want Bruce Banner losing his shit and beating the ever loving fuck out of everything from tanks to Thor to Loki. Gotta pick your battles, I guess. Best performance to Sam Elliott's moustache, though. 

7. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Wow, this fucking movie. Could there be any more action movie cliches? My dislike for the X-Men films has been well noted, but this one really takes the taco for so many reasons. I could go on for days about Deadpool, but I won't because there are so many characters in this that were just wrecked. Gambit, Sabretooth, and Deadpool join the long list of characters buried by the X-Men films. Worse than that is the fact that whoever was responsible for this mess googled 'Action Movie Tropes' and threw them all in Wolverine. Jackman is perfect as Logan, don't get me wrong, but there's only so much you can do. At least The Wolverine can't be any worse than this...right?

6. Ghost Rider (2007)

Who thought this was a good idea? Seriously? Nic Cage was at least ten years too old for the role, the film was laced with bad CGI (including Cage's abs!), and the source material wasn't nearly popular enough to pull off a feature film of this scale. If it were me this would have been much darker, more directed to the crowd that made Blade such a huge hit a decade prior. The sequel was much more fun, but in a ridiculous way a la Crank. Next time, would someone find their balls and tell the clearly batshit insane actor that he needs to sit the hell down?

5. Judge Dredd (1995)

If you read my review for Dredd (p.s. no one did), you'd know how I feel about this very 90's flick based on the satirical and ultraviolent 2000 A.D. Not only was this just another Stallone vehicle, it completely missed the fucking point of the comic. This film turned a criticism on the American view on violence in film into the very thing it was criticizing. Dredd (2012) was far superior, but that's not saying much.

4. Spider Man 3 (2007)

Name me a good thing about this movie. I dare you. The only joy I got out of this is the ironic laughter at the Emo-Spider dancing scene and some such ridiculousness. James Franco is THE WORST villain in Comic Book Film history as the Green Ranger Goblin. The shoehorning in of the Gwen Stacy character. The senseless involvement of Sandman in Uncle Ben's murder. The absolutely unforgivable raping of the Venom character/storyline. All this on top of the terrible, horrible acting that had been typical of the Spider Man films under Raimi. This is easily the Batman & Robin of Marvel movies, only worse. Because it's not Batman.

3. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

How do the Fantastic Four movies exist in the same universe as The Incredibles and still be so very awful? Pixar basically made a Fantastic Four movie and it was freaking awesome. The only reason the first F4 film isn't on the list is because Chris Evans is charming as fuck in it. In this travesty of a sequel, he basically phoned it in as if he already knew he was gonna be Captain America. Mind you, everyone phoned this shit in. No one could give a fuck about being in this movie. Not to mention setting the precedent for making it OK to turn a powerful antagonist into a fucking cloud. This is legit one of the worst movies I've ever sat through, and the only reason it's not #1 is because I really can't care about the comic book characters that these films are based on. Reed Richards and company can gooooooooooooo fuck themselves.

2. Catwoman (2004)

A movie so bad, I damn near forgot it even existed. It's nice to know that even an Academy Award winning actress can commit career suicide. Take a look at Halle Berry's filmography post-Catwoman. It's a hot mess. I just can't fathom who thought this was a good idea. The Batman franchise had yet to be saved, so there was no momentum on any DC characters to capitalize on. Berry was already involved in the X-Men films, so she was already on the Comic Book bandwagon. The script was horrible, the acting was worse. It was a tremendous waste of time and money, and the unabashed humiliation of a classic comic book character. Taking the cake for me though was Sharon Stone's villain, who was superhumanly tough BECAUSE OF ALL THE MAKE UP SHE HAS WORN! HOLY SHIT!

And the worst Comic Book Film ever...wait for it...

1. Green Lantern (2011)

NOPE.

Knight Owl's Top 10 BEST Comic Book Movies!

Does anyone else think that it's ironic that Superman's run in film has been, well, not super?

This friday, the boy scout gets another shot at the silver screen with Zack Snyder's Man Of Steel, and I find myself very excited for it, despite the fact that I've been hurt before. Superman Returns was mediocre at best, saved mostly by a spot on performance by Kevin Spacey. Looking back though, it was hardly the biggest failure that Kal El has suffered on-screen. I've always found the first Superman film to be boring at times, even though I know how important and groundbreaking it was. Superman II was almost ironically good, but is still the Wrath Of Khan of Superman films. Superman III was a hot mess, and Superman IV was even worse. Smallville was a 10-year cocktease resulting in one of the biggest letdown finales I've ever witnessed (no, I haven't seen Lost yet). I think big blue is due for a win.

This little retrospect got me thinking about the whole Comic Book Film craze that we've been blessed with over the last decade or so. There's lots of good, and a whole fuck ton of bad. I decided to look though it all and dig out what I loved the most. Then I took my love for top 10 lists and Expecto Petronumed this bit of business up in preparation for this weekend. This isn't really rated based on any one thing other than personal preference, so I wouldn't be surprised if some are confused by some of the choices on the list. Some, on the other hand, are pretty damn predictable if you've been paying attention or have ever actually met me. I do hope Man Of Steel makes it on here, but then again, I'm a Batman guy, I'm not all optimism.

HONOURABLE MENTION: Daredevil (2003)

This is probably the worst movie on the list of films I absolutely love. There's so much wrong with it. The casting, the acting, the costumes, the cheesy one-liners. For all intents and purposes it should be a mess of Green Lantern proportions, BUT for some reason I'm endeared to it. Some of it is my love for the character, the closest thing to Batman that Marvel has to offer. I also am a fan of Affleck and Colin Farrell, so that helps. Jennifer Garner is horrible, and this and Elektra were cases in point of that. Michael Clarke Duncan really made it work though, especially since his casting was criticized for having a big black guy play a big white guy. MCD was money here, and I'm sad he's gone and can't be in the remake. This movie, with all its faults, was a gritty but fun homage to the original works during the early stages of Marvel's entering the movie fray. I loves it.

10. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

This movie, like the mini series of graphic novels that it is based on, is so much fun. Over the top ridiculousness with a quirky sense of humour and a touch of teen angst behind it. It doesn't hurt that its setting is in Canada, cuz we need some love in films sometimes. The story is fresh, original, and directed right at my age group with nostalgic video game references, indie rock, and the lack of understanding of what a vegan is. George Michael Bluth is uniquely entertaining in this in that he doesn't play the same role he's played in every other thing he's in. This is one of the funniest films I've seen in a while, and one of the most faithful adaptations.

9. Blade (1998)

Remember when vampires had balls? Before vampires were over-romanticized gimmicks for thinly veiled metaphors for sexualism (FUUUUCK YOUUUUU TWILIGHT), they were monsters that only a bad mother fucker could deal with. Blade was the baddest of asses in this way-better-than-it-deserved-to-be film about a minor Marvel character. Also, it's neat to note that Blade was the first huge box office success of Marvel's films, two years before X-Men was released. Blade was a kick-ass action flick, a great showing of vampires as they should be seen, and a solid foreshadow for the line of comic films to follow. If a Punisher or Daredevil remake happens in the near future, someone should take note of how a badass comic book movie is done.

8. Hellboy (2004)/Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)

"'Can't Smile Without You'...yep, I'm gonna need a beer, too." This one's a tie, simply because I love them equally. For a comic book as under the radar as Hellboy was at the time to have such a great adaptation is remarkable, not to mention having a sequel be just as good. Ron Perlman, a fantastic character actor, breaks out here as the hugely entertaining hero. The script is great at being very dark and light hearted at the same time. These movies establish Guillermo Del Toro as a major player in creature features, with a distinctive look that leaves CGI by the wayside and brings back a more realistic feel to fantasy not seen since the 1980's. Both of these films are awesome and hold up to this day, several viewings later.

7. Kick Ass (2010)

I love this one for a couple of reasons. One, Hit Girl is awesome. Two, I like that it addresses the fact that, in real life, being a superhero would suck. It deglorifies everything that the comics and films tell you about superheroes. They'd get the shit kicked out of them. Three, it's a living example of what The Dark Knight's edgy, dark and twisted view of a superhero film could be. Yeah, it goes to the R-rated extreme on a couple different occasions, but it's also so over-the-top and Tarantino-esque in its violence that it's hard to take seriously. Nicolas Cage's channelling of Adam West as Big Daddy is priceless. I'm looking forward to the sequel coming out later this summer, even if it's half as good. Just don't let the kids watch it.

6. 300 (2006)

Even though it's been meme'd to death, 300 is still one of the better frame-for-frame adaptations of a graphic novel there is. Frank Miller's masterpiece translated into a Gladiator-style film perfectly, to the point that some are flabbergasted by the fact that it was a comic book first. Zack Snyder proved his quality with this ultraviolent quasi-historical period piece starring Gerard Butler and his abs. The film was straightforward, beautiful, and featured some of the best moments in film we've seen in the last decade. "THIS IS SPARTA!" "TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL!" "THEN WE WILL FIGHT IN THE SHADE!" Need I continue?

And speaking of Frank Miller...

5. Sin City (2005)

This collaboration of art redefined the Comic Book movie in it's formative stage, as well as the Film Noir. It was innovative in so many ways, from the use of different directors, to the black-and-white presentation, the inspired casting, even the make-up was remarkable. This Pulp Fiction-style action film was an eye opener for many and is a great example of making the original source more mainstream. If Frank Miller was big in comics before this film, he was HUGE afterwards. The ensemble cast was near perfect, and going for an R-rated comic book adaptation when everyone else was shooting for PG was a remarkable move by Miller, Robert Rodriguez and good ol' Quentin Tarantino. Now, if only it didn't take a goddamn decade for the sequel to come out...

4. Iron Man (2008)

Marvel's main man, and for good reason. I've already talked about how Robert Downey Jr. is the perfect Tony Stark, but this movie is more that just him. By 2008, Marvel movies had their 'origin story' movie formula down to a science, to the point where it was becoming weak. It was basically the same movie over and over with interchangeable heroes and villains. With Iron Man, it was the same, only it was the best example of it. Great acting, great visuals, and a perfect translation of story-to-screen. The other Marvel entries were good-to-great, but only because Iron Man was SO good. The Marvel line of films is one of the most successful film franchises ever, and Marvel has Stark to thank for it.

3. Watchmen (2009)

Forgive me, but I actually prefer the film to the novel. You almost never hear that, but this is a case where everything went together so well on screen that it shows some of the weaknesses of the original material. The book is very long winded, very political, and has not aged well. A lot of the political rhetoric is so forced that you could be beaten over the head with it. The fat is trimmed for the film, despite being 3 hours long, while not losing its impact. Watchmen was a perfect combination of casting, direction by Zack Snyder (again), and weirdly enough, the soundtrack. The music in this movie is incredibly used. Contrary to what some think, I believe that this film more than does justice to one of the most important graphic novels in history. Lack of giant alien squid notwithstanding.

2. The Avengers (2012)

What else can I say about this that I didn't say in one of the MANY posts I made about it last year. This movie is a big deal. Whedon is godlike for pulling it off. Kudos to RDJ and company for being a stellar cast for a near impossible movie to make. Every Marvel film between this and Avengers 2 is at a disadvantage for having to be compared to it. Awesome, just awesome. Only one thing though.

It didn't have Batman.

1. The Dark Knight Trilogy (2005-2012)

Surprising no one, I'm sure. I grouped them all together because, unlike most if not all other comic book film series, this is the epic telling of one story. It's not 'this time I'm fighting octopus guy' or whatever, it's the story of the rise and fall of a singular character. Batman Begins brought the iconic character back to life after an abysmal Batman & Robin and made him cool again. The Dark Knight was a revolutionary piece of art that redefined the summer blockbuster and the comic book movie. The Dark Knight Rises did what so few threequels do effectively: it concluded the story in a way that brings all three movies together. It's what the first Star Wars trilogy did. Yeah, there's a bias. I'm a Batman guy. But if that continuity didn't exist, than Avengers would have this spot, or The Dark Knight would stand alone. This isn't just a great series of comic book films, it's great storytelling, which is something the average film franchise has been lacking in for some time now.

Knight Owl's Review of Fast & Furious 6; One hit point left.

Wow, this movie.

The success of the Fast & Furious films has always vexed me a little bit. I mean, the first three installments at least were basically like the Step Up or Bring It On films for cars. They're all about the same thing, with a new dynamic each film. The evolution of the series has led to better films in context, but all follow a similar pattern. For instance:

• The Fast and the Furious: We drive fast cars and are criminals!
• 2 Fast 2 Furious: We drive fast cars and are in such a horrible movie that I haven't even finished it yet!
• Fast and the Furious - Tokyo Drift: We drive fast cars whilst being Asian!
• Fast and Furious: Vengeance whilst driving fast cars!
• Fast Five: Stealing shit by driving fast cars!

You can see how this series might be considered redundant. At this point, the F&F films are becoming a lot like the Saw series, in that it embraces the same tropes but pushes the envelope slightly further. Thankfully, Fast Five stands out as getting away from that redundancy to become a more straight-up action heist flick. The addition of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson didn't hurt as a contrast to Vin 'I Used To Be A Big Deal' Diesel. So now we have an established series of films that have made bank on ridiculous stunt driving, flashy cars, and equally ridiculous action scenes to go with them. Basically it's a winning formula for a summer movie, so I guess I can't blame anyone for putting out another one.

The unfortunate thing about FF6 is that it had to follow Fast Five, which was inarguably the best film of the series. It brought in some new faces, new elements and changed the entire tone of the series from gimmick films about street racing to a legit action film series that happened to feature street racing. Now, while FF6 does keep up with this new direction, it does not live up to the expectations of Fast Five in terms of quality, story, or characters. If you're looking for a completely silly movie that you don't have to spend a second thinking about, this is your jam. I enjoyed the hell out of it, but it wasn't the best it could be.

The story is 90's action at its best. The crew of outlaws is recruited by a law enforcement officer to help catch another outlaw considered to be a far worse evil, and in return they are offered pardons for their crimes. It's fun, but it's been done. It also raises a lot of questions about how action film writers view law enforcement. This guy is stealing stuff and I can't catch him, so naturally I go get help from GUYS WHO STEAL STUFF? It would be different if the recruiting party was a private one and not civil-fucking-servants, but the fact that Vin and company are wanted for several high class crimes, in several countries, and doing one thing will exonerate them all from everything states that Hollywood has little-to-no respect or knowledge regarding police procedure, or common sense for that matter. There are a lot of other things that could have been offered without letting the crew who has stolen hundreds of millions of dollars off the hook. If I was Rock in this scenario and the crew was like 'we want full pardons', I would have laughed, kicked Vin in the balls, and offered not to tell the entire world where they were holed up. Then I would Rock Bottom Paul Walker through a table. Because I would be The Rock.

Speaking of the cast, is it just me or are the careers of every person in this movie who are not The Rock on life support? Seriously, there was a time when Vin Diesel and Paul Walker were seen as big time future Hollywood. Walker was in that 'I'm an actor because I'm handsome' category of talent that damn near guaranteed leading man status. Vin Diesel was the next bona fide action star a la Schwarzenegger and Stallone. Between 2000 and 2002 he had three action franchises up and running: XXX, Fast & Furious, and the Riddick films. XXX fizzled out because it was retarded. The Chronicles of Riddick was a CGI-fest that fell flat, and was uninspired in comparison to Pitch Black, one of my favourite Sci-Fi films of all time. The only thing that either Vinny or Paul have going for them right now is this franchise, running 12 years strong. The same goes for most of the rest of the cast. I don't follow the rap scene very closely, but is Ludacris still a thing? The only music of his that I've heard recently has been on Fast & Furious soundtracks. Tyrese Gibson has literally done nothing but these films and the Transformers movies. Michelle Rodriguez's completely ridiculous return to the series is the first time I've seen her since FF4, and before that it was either FF1 or SWAT. And those are the big names of the franchise.

The Rock's character, Hobbs, was maybe the biggest disappointment for me in this film. In Fast Five he was a fucking boss. Not a true antagonist, but the standard 'cop who's out for the good guys because they're criminals' stereotype. It worked because he was: a) good at his job; and 2) intimidating as fuck. And not just because he's fucking huge, but because of how he carries himself: as the guy who is in charge and the last guy with whom to fuck. In this film, he loses all of those qualities except for the being huge part. Not only is he buddy-buddy with the guy he was taking a wrench to in the previous installment, but he's a pushover and a fucking HORRIBLE cop. It was weird because this series is surprisingly good with continuity for the most part, but somewhere between Fast Five and Furious 6 (or whatever) he turned into the privileged kid who wants to be part of the cool kids group. He'll do anything for them as long as he gets to hang out. You're better than that, Rock. You're the most electrifying man in whatever whatever, not the fat kid in school that has a pool.

Mentioning the careers of the cast being on life support is interesting, because it's the only weakpoint for anyone in this movie. Everyone takes damage like a fucking champ, and it's one of the most entertaining and maddening things about this movie. This has been a thing in other installments, but there was still some concern for the well being of anyone caught in a life threatening situation. That goes out the goddamn window here, or in this case, through the windshield. There were many, many, many awesome action scenes in this movie, and there's no way that any main character should have survived any of them. Not by a long shot. Vin Diesel in particular has got to be a real life superhero for the punishment he just shrugs off. The only thing I can think of is that the Fast and Furious films now see people like Dungeons & Dragons does. For those of you who aren't fantastically huge nerds, D&D characters have a set amount of hit points or HP and when they run out, you're dead. There's no really injury or grey area, you're either dead or you're not. I'm assuming the same principle is applied here. As long as Diesel has one HP left, he can survive being thrown from a speeding vehicle and have his fall broken by another speeding vehicle and walk away unscathed. Yep, makes perfect sense.

Just so we're clear, I know I'm reading WAY too much into this. The retardedness of action movies and their applications of things like physics is about as far off as their understanding of computer use. It's been this way for approximately forever, and I honestly hope it never changes. I had a really good time with this movie, and I need to stress that because I have just spent several paragraphs contradicting that sentiment. I laughed my way through FF6, regardless of whether that was the desired reaction from the film makers. It's just an over-the-top, flashy popcorn movie that is just on the wrong side of ridiculous. The film also provides a solid lead up to a seventh installment, and I would honestly buy a ticket for it right the hell now. I do hope the series keeps doing well, because there's no way Vin Diesel has any other marketable skills and while I have high hopes for the new Riddick movie coming out in the fall, it will not be the money maker that these movies tend to be. Any fans of the series will enjoy this film quite a bit, I think, along with any film buff with a taste for the ridiculous.

But for the love of God, do not try these stunts at home.

Knight Owl