Prepping for DKR Part 2: Future Endeavoured

I'm starting to think there's something wrong with me.

How bad is it that I'm so morally desensitized that when I hear that comedian Daniel Tosh claims to legitimately find the concept of rape 'funny', I have no reaction. Nothing like the Internet's reaction to it, anyway. My awesome and beautiful bride-to-be informs me of this days after it occurs (because I live under a rock and the only news I read pertain to pro wrestling, comics and movies) in a disgusted manner, and I don't offer up so much as a 'how dare he!' against him. I just say 'meh. sounds like him.' The point to this is that I don't give a shit about this either way, but the thought of Nolan's Batman trilogy coming to an end saddens me to a state of near depression.

Much like The Avengers, I'm in a bit of a crisis over DKR, but a much deeper one due to the fact that, while Marvel will continue to pump out new franchises (Guardians of the Galaxy? Really?) and sequels until the zombies come, this is the True Death for this series of movies. Bale is done. Nolan, done. While a large part of me wants these movies to come out every couple of years for the rest of my life, there's a small and shy but logical part of my brain parts that tells me that can't happen. And right beside him is the loud and obnoxious 'Captain Obvious' part of my brain that's screaming 'THEY ARE GOING TO REBOOT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS EL-OH-EL'. And so they will.

There are already talks about a Batman reboot, and that scares the everloving shit out of me. People are giving The Amazing Spider-Man shit for being a reboot too soon after the original, even though it is FAR superior to that original. Same goes for The Incredible Hulk, made even sooner after the original than Spidey was, and was arguably the better movie (not great, but better). The problem here, according to Captain Obvious, is that there is no way in the Seven Hells that this reboot is going to be better than any of the three Nolan Batfilms. The reboots will be different, sure, and I will watch and probably like them by default because duh, it's Batman...but they won't be the Dark Knight Trilogy. I figure that since this is the case, I might as well throw my hat into the ring.

Before I wish Nolan and Bale all the best in their future endeavours, I would like to put forth some ideas for the next go-round Hollywood has with the Dark Knight that would both stay true to the lore and characters that mean so much to me, and at the same time straying away from reapplying the Dark Knight Trilogy formula (likely incorrectly). This is really more of a wish list of things that I think could really work, if done right, and I even throw in some casting suggestions while I'm at it.

#6: Batman Beyond


This would be a WAY new direction for Batman (yeah, I know the Beyond show is like 10 years old, but...shut up).

For those of you unfamiliar with the synopsis, knowledge is incoming. Basically, we find Bruce has become a crotchety old man that doesn't get to do Bat-stuff any more, so he finds a newly orphaned and angry youth in Terry McGinnis to be the new Batman (kinda sounds like the origin of Robin, doesn't it?...What did I tell you about shutting up?).

This is a fresh take on Batman that hasn't been pushed to anyone who isn't a fanatic like myself or was a 10-year old boy 10 years ago. We have the same concept, the familiar main character in a new role, and a new character that we can accept because he's close-but-not-the-same to the Batman we know. I was a denier of Beyond since its release due to my resistance to change, but we can't stop the change from happening now, so if we're doing something new, why not get as far away from the DKT as possible. The tone would be different, the setting would be more futuristic and Fifth-Element-like, and the young but not quite as grim hero might be more relatable to the younger audiences.

Casting: For Bruce Wayne: Clint Eastwood (if he's still alive); Terry McGinnis: Aaron Johnson.

Clint is pure dream casting for me. Bruce on the show had to have been designed off of Clint. As for Johnson being our new Bat, he has proven that he can be both serious business in Savages, and a funny superhero in Kick-Ass. That balance is what made Terry different from Bruce, and it would be what is needed for this.

#5: A Direct Novel Adaptation

This doesn't happen a lot with ongoing comic adaptations. You take an open-and-shut story arc from the source material and convert it into a film, or a series of films if need be. This not only does the writing for you, it ensures that what you're making has been accepted and appreciated by your target audience and really would be the easiest way to go. Just ask Zack Snyder (300, Watchmen).

Batman especially has a wealth of storylines that could become excellent works if done carefully. And therein lies the rub. If you take a pre-existing story and transfer it to film, it needs to be exactly that. There's no room for altering the story or you're going to piss a whole Comic Con's worth of fanboys who will turn the Internet War Machine against you and you'll never make another dime. Again, look at Snyder and Watchmen. The alterations that were made in his film (that I actually liked more than the original) almost prevented the movie from being made. So if you're doing this, do it right.

As I said, there are lots to choose from with Bats in terms of stories that would work. Hush comes to mind, and you could get a good two or three movies out of that. The Long Halloween is another, but Batman Begins already took some a little influence from it so that could be risky. I really enjoyed Kevin Smith's Cacaphony and Widening Gyre books, and would also love to see The Killing Joke onscreen, if we can find someone brave enough to play the Joker again.

Casting: Batman/Bruce Wayne: Jon Hamm

Mandi and I watch Mad Men religiously, and every once in a while I say to myself, 'Self, I think that Don Draper could be Batman.' It works here because it's not the origin story, so Batman can be a little older then Bale was at the beginning. And just watch that video. He's just never happy. That's Batman all over the place.

#4: The Dark Knight Returns


Yeah, technically this should fall under #5, but bear with me.

Returns has been established as one of the most important graphic novels ever published, as well as being the most responsible for the Batman character that we know and love today. Its dark overtones and political critique make it unique to most other works of its kind, and I would love to see it done. An argument can be made that no film could do this book justice, but the same was said about Watchmen, and while the movie is nowhere near as important as the book is to pop culture, it was still pretty damn good in my opinion.

This is actually a pretty decent mix of #5 and #6 on this list in that it is an individual story arc but is a fresh way of approaching the legend of the Dark Knight. The story is about a retired Batman, who sees his city descend into a new level of Hell and dons the cape and cowl once again to take Gotham back, old school. It is one of my favourite Batman stories, and the best work of Frank Miller ever in my opinion. I figure, if Sin City and 300 can get the film treatment, why shouldn't this? Hell, you could probably get a couple movies out of it, considering the length and content.

The problem, like with Sin City, 300, and Watchmen, is that it's SO extreme and Frank-Miller-y that only a certain demographic will be able to enjoy it. Serious shit happens in this book that I wouldn't subject most children to, and even if I did, they wouldn't get it. So I understand why this hasn't happened yet, and why it may never happen, but I do so ever wish it would.

Besides, Batman beating the shit out of Superman? That NEEDS to be on screen somewhere.

Casting: Batman/Bruce Wayne: Mel Gibson

Yeah, THAT Mel Gibson. I get that he's been having some trouble with not being fit-for-a-straitjacket crazy, but maybe that's what would make this version of Batman special. Anyone who's read DKReturns knows that Bruce kind of walks that line of craziness the whole way through, and an older, gray-haired, pissed off old Mel can be that guy. He's still in shape, he is a great actor, and he's even got a voice for it. Get it done.

#3: Pull a 'Smallville'


The concept of Smallville was great, and it obviously worked (despite the total lack of payoff in the end) with getting a 10-season show out of it. Here's the thing though, it will work even better with Batman for two simple reasons: the rogues gallery, and the main character.

The problem with the first half of Smallville is that you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for Lex to start fucking shit up. They tease it a lot until they go full on Big Bad circa season 6 and 7. That's at least 6 years waiting for something to happen. That sucks. You wouldn't have that with Batman. No watching Bruce befriend a comedian in season 1, only to watch the next 5 years saying to yourself, 'When the fuck is he going to go into the toxic waste and become the Joker?' There are so many antagonists for Batman, with all of them being interesting, that it'll never get old. Also, since it's a TV show, you don't have to pull a Burton and kill off every second bad guy, just have recurring villains.

And let's face it, Superman is pretty fucking one-dimensional. He needs to be, don't get me wrong, but Batman isn't restricted that way. He can go from 'Bruce Wayne' to 'I'm Batman!' to 'I'M THE GODDAM BATMAN!' and back again, no problem. Since the TV show allows for an extended development of that character, it wouldn't feel random or rushed. Season 10 Clark Kent was the exact same as Season 1 Clark Kent. That shouldn't, and wouldn't happen with Bruce Wayne.

Casting: Batman/Bruce Wayne: Ben Mackenzie

Like #5, he doesn't have to be too young, but still keep him in him upper 20's-early 30's. While tons of actors fit the bill, Ben has always been a favourite of mine for being the broody, serious business type in Southland and The OC (I know, I'm ashamed). The big selling point is that he actually voiced Bats in the Batman Year One animated movie, and sounded great. Speaking of animated...

#2: Bring Back Batman: TAS!

Seriously, nostalgia goggles or not, this shit was awesome.

Batman has undergone some abysmal animated outings since TAS went off the air. We have The Batman, Brave and the Bold, and another just-as-retarded-looking Beware the Batman series on its way. The Batman was basically Marvel's Ultimates version of Batman, and might have had a prayer if it didn't have TAS to compare to. Brave and the Bold went in the direction of 60's Batman, Adam West-style camp humor, and it is fun to watch but again, it's not TAS. 

DC has been releasing one-off animated films which are excellent on average, with Batman: Under the Red Hood being my undisputed favourite. The concepts here are similar to #5 in that they are mostly adaptations of story arcs, and they work. Converting this into an animated series would work, and would be much more on the radar than what they are doing now with the animated films. 

I said it in my last post, Batman: TAS was a perfect adaptation of the source material, and I need it back in my life. 

Casting: Batman/Bruce Wayne: Kevin Conroy. Obviously.

#1: Let It Be

This is the true best case scenario: we leave Batman the fuck alone for a little bit. I know that I'm probably the last person that should be saying it, but back off. Batman has been overexposed like crazy since Begins came out, and this franchise is the only one putting up competition against the Marvel Movie Machine. I say we sit back, read the damn comics, and hope that DC can get another film franchise going. I'm interested to see what Snyder can do with Superman in Man of Steel. The Green Arrow TV show starts in September. There are still animated films and series to look forward to. DC is in pretty good shape as long as they stay the fuck away from Green Lantern and we all go on with our lives pretending it didn't happen.

So yeah, here we are with three films that are way better than they have any right to be. I remember a time when the world had three great films to live with, demanded more, and got Jar Jar Binks. 

Knight Owl

Prepping for DKR Part 1: The Hero That Gotham Deserves

Holy anticipation, Batman!


2012 has been a pretty brilliant year thus far for me in regards to the films that have come out, which has actually affected this blogging business negatively because, as I have stated before, I'm funnier when I'm angry. It's been tough, so my blogging hasn't been as regular or as good as it probably could be, and for the 19 people (yay to you guys!) who read my last post, I'll do better.


But now is a very important time in my life. It's Bat Time. We're at less than a week before The Dark Knight Rises is released upon the world and I have ALL THE FEELINGS! So I've been doing some preparations before the shit goes down. The past couple weeks have been a roller coaster of good and bad, a nice emotional parallel to my relationship with Batman through the course of my life. Good times...and dark, dark times. Our journey through the world of Pop Culture together has led to some life-defining moments that few could relate to, so I'm not going to try explaining. What I AM going to do is express that ol' opinion of mine on various aspects of what the world has seen and has come to understand as the world of Batman. It might not be pretty at times, and I might lose some of those 19 readers along the way, but if there's one thing I know, it's the goddamn Batman.

I'd like to start here with settling a debate I've been having both internally and with anyone willing to talk Batman long enough to learn that there's no point in arguing with me about him. Since the Nolan movies hit it big, the question was asked and answered to death by many authorities of the Pop Culture arena: Who is the best of the Batmen? It is a tough question, don't get me wrong; it took me many moons and multiple viewings of every Bat-movie and reading up on many of the points made by other opinionated souls who took their shots at ranking the versions of Batman from worst to best, and so on. Now, since there are so many incarnations, I've tried to limit it to the most exposed or relevant performances, so that I don't go all 'X-Men franchise' on you all again. Keep in mind that this is not a ranking of the Bat-movies, but the portrayal and performances of the Dark Knight in each incarnation. And no, I didn't include Terry 'Batman Beyond' McGinnis. Don't embarrass yourself.

(Also, I've added pictures! Yay for me being somewhat competent at using basic software that comes with buttons for attaching things!)

Batman #6: Adam West (1966-1968)

This fucking guy.

Do I hate the 60's show/movie? HELLS NO! I grew up on this shit and it's pretty much what kick-started my diehard fanboy geekiness, developing me into the Knight Owl that we have today. Adam West did good with what he had to work with and what the goals of the show were. Saying that...

Look at that picture. That is a guy that would fold like fucking crazy if even one of those glorious sound-effect-accompanying punches actually connected. That Bat symbol on his chest is really in an inconvenient spot. You know what's right behind that symbol? The solar plexus. Ever take a shot to the solar plexus whilst wearing not much other than a spandex shirt? My money says you get FUCKED UP.

I get that it was a campy 60's-era pseudo sitcom directed at kids. But let's face it: kids are dumb, and they can't appreciate Batman for what he is supposed to be. Batman's origin story is one of the darkest in comic history, something most kids can't understand. Guaranteed, there are kids out there who have been told the story and responded with something along the lines of 'awesome,' or 'I wish that would happen to me'. Kids suck.

I still love watching the 60's Batman stuff, and think the original movie is one of the funniest movies ever made, but here's the thing: BATMAN STUFF SHOULD NOT BE FUNNY! Not in this way, anyways. I love Adam West the way I love William Shatner and Arnold Schwarzenegger (didn't even spell check that shit), but most of that love is in spite of themselves. Kindergarten Cop wouldn't be nearly as funny with someone who spoke fucking English, and every time Kirk fought someone I thought it was shot in "bullet time." So for those who want to hate for West being this low on the list, remember: I love this guy just like you, but we love him for the wrong reasons.

Batman #5: George Clooney (Batman & Robin)

Bare witness to the nipples that almost destroyed a franchise! Look at them! LOOOOOOOK!

OK, so that was my step into insanity. But it was fitting considering that's what this movie was: just a crazy-ass leap into this weird world where everything exists so that a toy can be made from it and we can take a step back towards the days of Adam West with the THOK! and the Bat-Shark repellant. This movie was the first time I realized that something featuring the absolute best hero that the world had to offer could be THE FUCKING WORST. It is from this movie that I base my rage on some of the Hollywood bullshit that has been pulled on my beloved comics (see: Green. God. Damn. Lantern.). But like I said before, this was not about the movie: it's about the man. And guess what? He wasn't too bad.

I like to think that Clooney was fully aware of how pants-on-arms retarded 'Batman & Robin' was going to be, so he decided to have some fun with it and declare (proudly, even) that he was the goddam Batman for two hours of horrible screentime. In doing so, he did something with the character that has not been done before or since: he made Batman the most popular kid in school.

Don't get what I mean? It's cool, I got your back.

If you can stomach it, watch this movie again. Batman is a smug, overconfident douche in a not-small amount of the film, and it is fucking hilarious. He walks around with this CM Punk 'Best in the World' smirk like he's fucking Superman or something (Batman is totally better than Superman, but it's not usually written all over his face). You know that trademark 'I'm Batman!' grunt that Keaton and Bale pulled with just anger and hatred? Here, Clooney busts in on one of my favourite Arnold characters and goes, 'Hey Freeze, I'm Batman :)' like they're at a fucking mixer.

So yeah. In retrospect, Clooney wasn't the best Bat, but here's the thing: He was a REALLY good Bruce Wayne. What people tend to forget, along with directors, writers, actors, etc., is that Bruce and Batman are for all intents and purposes two separate entities. Bruce is the guy everyone wants to have lunch with; Batman is the guy eating lunch alone who lashes out at anyone who tries to join him. While most of this list doesn't do this right, they usually get one half pretty good, and this is one of the better Bruces. He's a charming, generous, playboy surrounded by women and wealth and is always wearing the same aforementioned 'Fuck you, I'm the best' face.

The main reason the better Bruce isn't higher up? Simple. This wasn't Bruce Wayne. This was Clooney being Clooney and just calling himself a different name. We get it, George. You're awesome.

Batman #4: Michael Keaton (Batman, Batman Returns)

The nostalgia goggles are off, and so are the gloves.

If I get any negative feedback, I expect most of it would be from this entry. And that's okay, because I know where you're coming from. As I am writing this, my inner child is threatening my life for ranking Keaton so low, but I'm right about this, and there are a lot of significant reasons that may or may not be his fault. But let's get the obvious out of the way: Keaton is WAY too small to be Batman. As much as I love this picture, there's another reason why I put it there. This is a clear comparison showing that the Joker...IS BIGGER THAN BATMAN. Jack Nicholson's performance was absolutely stellar, including him allowing Keaton to look like he could beat Jack up. There is no other medium in which the Joker is physically superior to Batman. Even if Heath came close to Bale, the way he carried himself made Joker look like a pretty feeble individual. Keaton had the face and the voice, but needed one hell of a body double.

Short sidenote: I recall a comparison between Batman '89 and Dark Knight done by Nostalgia Critic, someone I actually tend to agree with. But in this comparison he rated Keaton higher than Bale and one of his points was Keaton's 'smile': a grimace that was present in several scenes in both films. This drove me fucking bananas because the only recollections I have of Batman smiling in the source material are the 60's/70's-era Batman comics and Chaotic-Evil, Frank Miller Batman. Neither of those examples should be considered the most accurate portrayals considering their contexts. Batman doesn't smile. Period.

Speaking of Miller, there is something present in these films that even he didn't pull on Bats in even his darkest of Bat-stories: the tendency that Batman had to outright murder people.  

Fucking what?

An example:

So now that the Bam Bam Bigelow-looking mother fucker gets to go to Hell and tell Thomas and Martha Wayne that their only child is committing homicide in their name. Awesome job being a hero, Keaton.

Another example? Why not.

Here we have the climax of the first Batman film, during which Batman proceeds to open fire with military ordinance upon a CROWDED STREET, clearly killing Joker's thugs with extreme prejudice while missing the intended target of Joker himself. There is so much wrong with that statement, that I just...I don't even. I could go on for years about how wrong this was, how the death of Wayne's parents led to his extreme distaste for guns, how he would never endanger civilians in such a matter, etc. I think the big-picture point can be made with one question: if Batman kills people, then why is the Joker still alive? A mass-murdering homicidal maniac who has crippled or killed loved ones of Batman on several occasions in canon, who is impossibly unpredictable and incredibly intelligent and always manages to escape the maximumest of prisons.The answer is simple and might be one of the most important principles to the Batman mythos.

Batman doesn't kill people. I allowed this when I was little because I didn't know better. I grew up with it because nostalgia happens. But make no mistake, I know now. I accept that this is not all Keaton's fault, as I stated...so as a throwback to the last post I made, fuck you, Burton.

Batman #3: Val Kilmer (Batman Forever)

Looks like the Highway to the Danger Zone had some fast food joints on it, amirite?

While 'Forever' wasn't quite the mess that 'Batman & Robin' was, it is pretty much the origin story of one of the worst movies ever made, and for that I'll always have a love/hate relationship with it. However, Kilmer's performance as Batman was notable, and an interesting polar opposite to Clooney's performance that follows. This will be short because I made the point earlier: Bruce and Bats are two different people. Kilmer kind of dropped the ball in the Bruce side of things, being cold and distant not unlike Keaton before him. However, this guy looked like he could kick some serious ass in the cape and cowl, and proceeded to do so. He was ripped, intimidating, and as alienating as he could be while still being the good guy. His inner turmoil throughout the movie about maybe giving up as Batman kinda annoyed me in a whiny, Spider Man 2 sort of way; but it was a fairly realistic dispute to have and is far more acceptable to me than strapping lit dynamite on obese people.

The important thing to acknowledge (and be constantly reminded of by me ;) ) is that Batman is Bruce Wayne's real persona, and the Bruce Wayne that everyone knows is an act so that he isn't osterosized from the society he needs to manipulate to continue his work. Whether it was intentional or not, this movie featured a Bruce Wayne that just wasn't good at pretending to be that guy, as opposed to the first two films where it was clear that Bruce gave not two fucks about how he was viewed in society, or Batman & Robin, where Clooney's-gonna-Cloon.

Batman #2: Christian Bale (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises)

Yeah, even with the voice, Bale's awesome and people are stupid to argue.

The casting of Batman for the new series of films was crucial to help erase the memory of Batman & Robin, and Christian Bale fit the bill perfectly. After showing his ability to portray a wealthy businessman type in American Psycho, and displaying his action chops in Equilibrium, Bale was an obvious choice to don the cape and cowl, and with Nolan's direction and script made a damn near perfect Batman. He was an actor who had the physical attributes to show up Keaton and Clooney, and acting ability beyond the stiff, cold, Hayden Christensen-esque performance of Kilmer.

So let's get the bad out of the way: that fucking voice. But really, it's only SO bad because everything else was so good, made especially evident in The Dark Knight where the voice was really the only negative criticism that could be made. Also, at least he made a god damn attempt to disguise his voice. Keaton did a good job of it, but the other predecessors could not give a fuck. Kilmer's was at least just as bad as Bale's, and Clooney was, again, just being himself in a mask. Zero fucks given.

Outside of the voice, this was one of the most well-rounded Batman to ever grace a screen. Every element of the Dark Knight's persona has been referenced in one way or another in the Nolan movies thus far. We have the expert hand-to-hand combatant. Batman's ability to fight has always been demonstrated well in film, but this was the first time the films went into HOW he got so good. Same goes for those wonderful toys Nicholson referred to in the first Bat-film. While I have to say Keaton had better stuff, these films again showed how Bats got his shit. What sticks out to me though is that balancing act between Bruce and Batman that I talked about earlier. None of the films prior to these did it better. Bruce and Bats were clearly two different personas in these movies, and it was clear that Bruce was feigning interest in the social aspects and commitments of his life. He played the douchebag billionaire well while making it obvious to the audience that it was an act to save face.

Really, the only reason Bale isn't #1 is the voice, and with my favorite Caped Crusader, it's all about the voice.

Batman #1: Kevin Conroy (Batman The Animated Series, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Justice League, Arkham Asylum/City)

Absolute perfection. 

Cartoons have always been able to portray comic books better than live film, and there is no better example then Batman TAS. The unique, dark retro style animation combined with Conroy's spot-on voice acting made this one of the best animated series of all time, and my favorite portrayal of the Dark Knight. The costume, mannerisms, and varying sides of Batman's personality and traits were all a perfect translation from the source material. The main reason for that, I think, is because the length of the series allowed to explore every aspect of the character, giving it an advantage over its live-action film counterparts. 

But like I said, it's all about the voice. There's a reason Conroy has been Batman's voice countless times. He's perfect at it. He's dark, gritty and threatening without being Bale's incomprehensible growling. And there's a significant difference between Batman and Bruce in the animated series, more so than Keaton. It's been said that Conroy is done doing Batman's voice after Arkham City's release, and I deeply hope that isn't the case; but if it is then Godspeed, Mr. Conroy. You did good. 

Welp, that's it, like it or not. I'd love to hear counterpoints, and would love even more to hear agreement from my readers so please feel free to have at it. I know that there are several other versions of Batman I didn't include, but holy christ this thing is long enough as is. I'm hoping to get at least one more post out in preparation for the big day, so you'll see that soon. Looking forward to seeing everyone at the theatre on Friday for the matinee...then the late afternoon show...then the evening show...then the late show. 

Knight Owl

Dark Shadows: The Tim-Burtonest film that Tim Burton has ever Tim-Burtoned

OK, I've been pretty shiny and happy in the last few posts because the subjects were such good examples of movies I love. To be honest, being shiny and happy is not my strong suit. So, saying that, it's time to leave Happytown and go all the back to Fuckville, and there's no better first stop than this self-flattering piece of shit.

I don't even need to get into the details of the actual movie because if you've seen a Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaboration it turns out you've seen them all, hence my negative attitude towards the film and Burton's work in general. For the sake of proving a point, here's the jist of it: Johnny Depp is a creepy, eccentric loner who finds himself in a fish-out-of-water scenario, but becomes surrounded by people who grow endeared to him. Shit happens and Johnny Depp saves the day. The end. Now, I know that I glossed over specific plot points, but I assure you, they are arbitrary in the grand scheme of things because, well, just re-read that synopsis I just wrote. Got it? Good. Now reach back and think about ALL of Burton's past work. Don't feel like it? Haven't seen enough to get my point? Don't worry, I've done it for you:

• 1985, Pee Wee's Big Adventure: An ECCENTRIC (arguably CREEPY) LONER goes off on an adventure to retrieve stolen property. Hijinks ensue, and people become ENDEARED to said loner.
• 1988, Beetlejuice: An ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER(/asshole) is brought into our world from the underworld, resulting in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO, wherein he proceeds to fuck some shit up. Hate as I might, Beetlejuice is awesome.
• 1989, Batman: With the nostalgia goggles off, I hate this movie. So here, instead of having Bruce Wayne even remotely pretend to be the billionaire playboy he should be to limit suspicion on his nightly activities, he is portrayed as an ECCENTRIC, CREEPY LONER. More on this and the other Bat-movies leading up to DKR later.
• 1990, Edward Scissorhands: Enter Johnny Depp. An ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER is brought down from isolation to the suburbs, resulting in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER scenario that leads to the family he lives with becoming ENDEARED to him and him saving Winona Ryder's life, or something. Loved this movie growing up, and while I do still like it, I also can see it as the catalyst for the darkness yet to come.
• 1992, Batman Returns: See Batman, but with Christopher Walken and some sort of zombie Catwoman (Do Not Know If Want).
• 1994, Ed Wood: Haven't seen it, gonna go out on a limb here and assume that Johnny Depp plays director Ed Wood as an ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER, as per the law of averages.
• 1996, Mars Attacks!: Ensemble cast, so it doesn't really hit my point home, but the day is saved by a mopey teenage LONER and his grandma. 
• 1999, Sleepy Hollow: Another BurDepp collaboration, wherein Depp is an ECCENTRIC LONER from the big city sent to a CREEPY village resulting in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO during which members of the town become ENDEARED to him and he saves the day.
• 2001, Planet of the Apes: Marky-Mark crash lands on a planet where Apes rule over uncivilized humans, placing him in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO during which both apes and humans become ENDEARED to him and he helps save the day and/or feel the vibrations.
• 2003, Big Fish: In maybe Burton's most 'normal' work to date, an ECCENTRIC old man reminisces with his son about his life, in what appears to be a stranger version of Forrest Gump.
• 2005, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Another BurDepp work, and guess what? Depp is an ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER looking to hire a child into his factory. Nice.
• 2005, Corpse Bride: Johnny Depp's voice is brought to the CREEPY underworld to marry a ghost or something, resulting in more than one FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO, between him in the underworld and her being in the alive-person world. Nightmare Before Christmas, this is not.
• 2007, Sweeney Todd: A typical BurDepp work, but with music!
• 2010, Alice in Wonderland: Here, Alice is the LONER in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO where she encounters a CREEPY ECCENTRIC Mad Hatter played by...(spoilers)...Johnny Depp.

...bringing us to Dark Shadows. I wonder if Mr. Burton is trying to say something about himself being an ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER IN A FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO, wherein people become ENDEARED to him through his films. 

I am now tired and sad that this is the reality of it because I can remember being a fan of some of both Burton and Depp; and, to be fair, some of this stuff might not be bad if it wasn't a regurgitation of a previous film. I'm not really hating on Depp because he's done lots of good outside of the Burton Cycle of Sadness. Fear and Loathing is awesome. The first three Pirates movies were entertaining (while the fourth one makes me facepalm). But for the past couple of years, whenever I see a poster with Depp on it and 'A Tim Burton Film' under him I instantly go, 'Gee, I wonder what this film could be about, herp derp.'

What really bugs me is that no other film maker of his level of notoriety can, or would, even try to pull this shit off. When Michael Fucking Bay (probably literally his middle name) has more variety in his works with more than ten titles less than you, you should be ashamed of yourself. Most directors might try to get out one good piece of self-indulgence and then move on, and Burton did it better than most with Scissorhands, which arguably was his best work. That does not mean you get to reproduce that same movie over and over again because every time you step out of your creepy-eccentric-loner box, it's viewed as a failure.

Let's look at the films that seem the least Burton-ed: Beetlejuice, arguably, and it was early enough in his career that Burton didn't have the chance to develop his bad habits. Then on to Mars Attacks and Big Fish but let's face it, those movies are like Jackie Brown is to Tarantino: no one is going to remember him for those movies. Speaking of which, I find that Tarantino is an interesting contrast to Burto, because while you can definitely tell a film is made by either director by the look, the dialogue or the music, Tarantino's films are different enough that they don't feel like watching Reservoir Dogs on repeat. I get and even appreciate that directors have a distinctive style to their films which sets them apart from the herd, but Burton has created his own goddamn herd and that's no good. 

But really, it seems that the one movie Burton keeps remaking with different versions of the same character is one that people feel the need to see. He keeps making money hand-over-fist on the same script, which has now been retrofitted for the remakes/reboots fad. When I heard Tim Burton was doing the Planet of the Apes remake back in the day, I was like "FUCKING WHAT?" Turned out the movie was pretty much crap but was in Burton's wheelhouse. Since then, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland and Dark Shadows are all Burton films that are based upon previous works that conveniently fit Burton's formula. So now he's gotten lazy about his laziness. Really, Tim? REALLY? Making matters worse is that now he's doing Frankenweenie later this summer, which is a reproduction of HIS OWN WORK! I wonder if the main character is going to be CREEPY and/or ECCENTRIC. Fuck my life, and fuck Tim Burton.

If he remakes Beetlejuice next, I'm finding him and driving a stake through his goth heart. Try me, Burton. I already have the stake.

Knight Owl