Prepping for DKR Part 1: The Hero That Gotham Deserves

Holy anticipation, Batman!


2012 has been a pretty brilliant year thus far for me in regards to the films that have come out, which has actually affected this blogging business negatively because, as I have stated before, I'm funnier when I'm angry. It's been tough, so my blogging hasn't been as regular or as good as it probably could be, and for the 19 people (yay to you guys!) who read my last post, I'll do better.


But now is a very important time in my life. It's Bat Time. We're at less than a week before The Dark Knight Rises is released upon the world and I have ALL THE FEELINGS! So I've been doing some preparations before the shit goes down. The past couple weeks have been a roller coaster of good and bad, a nice emotional parallel to my relationship with Batman through the course of my life. Good times...and dark, dark times. Our journey through the world of Pop Culture together has led to some life-defining moments that few could relate to, so I'm not going to try explaining. What I AM going to do is express that ol' opinion of mine on various aspects of what the world has seen and has come to understand as the world of Batman. It might not be pretty at times, and I might lose some of those 19 readers along the way, but if there's one thing I know, it's the goddamn Batman.

I'd like to start here with settling a debate I've been having both internally and with anyone willing to talk Batman long enough to learn that there's no point in arguing with me about him. Since the Nolan movies hit it big, the question was asked and answered to death by many authorities of the Pop Culture arena: Who is the best of the Batmen? It is a tough question, don't get me wrong; it took me many moons and multiple viewings of every Bat-movie and reading up on many of the points made by other opinionated souls who took their shots at ranking the versions of Batman from worst to best, and so on. Now, since there are so many incarnations, I've tried to limit it to the most exposed or relevant performances, so that I don't go all 'X-Men franchise' on you all again. Keep in mind that this is not a ranking of the Bat-movies, but the portrayal and performances of the Dark Knight in each incarnation. And no, I didn't include Terry 'Batman Beyond' McGinnis. Don't embarrass yourself.

(Also, I've added pictures! Yay for me being somewhat competent at using basic software that comes with buttons for attaching things!)

Batman #6: Adam West (1966-1968)

This fucking guy.

Do I hate the 60's show/movie? HELLS NO! I grew up on this shit and it's pretty much what kick-started my diehard fanboy geekiness, developing me into the Knight Owl that we have today. Adam West did good with what he had to work with and what the goals of the show were. Saying that...

Look at that picture. That is a guy that would fold like fucking crazy if even one of those glorious sound-effect-accompanying punches actually connected. That Bat symbol on his chest is really in an inconvenient spot. You know what's right behind that symbol? The solar plexus. Ever take a shot to the solar plexus whilst wearing not much other than a spandex shirt? My money says you get FUCKED UP.

I get that it was a campy 60's-era pseudo sitcom directed at kids. But let's face it: kids are dumb, and they can't appreciate Batman for what he is supposed to be. Batman's origin story is one of the darkest in comic history, something most kids can't understand. Guaranteed, there are kids out there who have been told the story and responded with something along the lines of 'awesome,' or 'I wish that would happen to me'. Kids suck.

I still love watching the 60's Batman stuff, and think the original movie is one of the funniest movies ever made, but here's the thing: BATMAN STUFF SHOULD NOT BE FUNNY! Not in this way, anyways. I love Adam West the way I love William Shatner and Arnold Schwarzenegger (didn't even spell check that shit), but most of that love is in spite of themselves. Kindergarten Cop wouldn't be nearly as funny with someone who spoke fucking English, and every time Kirk fought someone I thought it was shot in "bullet time." So for those who want to hate for West being this low on the list, remember: I love this guy just like you, but we love him for the wrong reasons.

Batman #5: George Clooney (Batman & Robin)

Bare witness to the nipples that almost destroyed a franchise! Look at them! LOOOOOOOK!

OK, so that was my step into insanity. But it was fitting considering that's what this movie was: just a crazy-ass leap into this weird world where everything exists so that a toy can be made from it and we can take a step back towards the days of Adam West with the THOK! and the Bat-Shark repellant. This movie was the first time I realized that something featuring the absolute best hero that the world had to offer could be THE FUCKING WORST. It is from this movie that I base my rage on some of the Hollywood bullshit that has been pulled on my beloved comics (see: Green. God. Damn. Lantern.). But like I said before, this was not about the movie: it's about the man. And guess what? He wasn't too bad.

I like to think that Clooney was fully aware of how pants-on-arms retarded 'Batman & Robin' was going to be, so he decided to have some fun with it and declare (proudly, even) that he was the goddam Batman for two hours of horrible screentime. In doing so, he did something with the character that has not been done before or since: he made Batman the most popular kid in school.

Don't get what I mean? It's cool, I got your back.

If you can stomach it, watch this movie again. Batman is a smug, overconfident douche in a not-small amount of the film, and it is fucking hilarious. He walks around with this CM Punk 'Best in the World' smirk like he's fucking Superman or something (Batman is totally better than Superman, but it's not usually written all over his face). You know that trademark 'I'm Batman!' grunt that Keaton and Bale pulled with just anger and hatred? Here, Clooney busts in on one of my favourite Arnold characters and goes, 'Hey Freeze, I'm Batman :)' like they're at a fucking mixer.

So yeah. In retrospect, Clooney wasn't the best Bat, but here's the thing: He was a REALLY good Bruce Wayne. What people tend to forget, along with directors, writers, actors, etc., is that Bruce and Batman are for all intents and purposes two separate entities. Bruce is the guy everyone wants to have lunch with; Batman is the guy eating lunch alone who lashes out at anyone who tries to join him. While most of this list doesn't do this right, they usually get one half pretty good, and this is one of the better Bruces. He's a charming, generous, playboy surrounded by women and wealth and is always wearing the same aforementioned 'Fuck you, I'm the best' face.

The main reason the better Bruce isn't higher up? Simple. This wasn't Bruce Wayne. This was Clooney being Clooney and just calling himself a different name. We get it, George. You're awesome.

Batman #4: Michael Keaton (Batman, Batman Returns)

The nostalgia goggles are off, and so are the gloves.

If I get any negative feedback, I expect most of it would be from this entry. And that's okay, because I know where you're coming from. As I am writing this, my inner child is threatening my life for ranking Keaton so low, but I'm right about this, and there are a lot of significant reasons that may or may not be his fault. But let's get the obvious out of the way: Keaton is WAY too small to be Batman. As much as I love this picture, there's another reason why I put it there. This is a clear comparison showing that the Joker...IS BIGGER THAN BATMAN. Jack Nicholson's performance was absolutely stellar, including him allowing Keaton to look like he could beat Jack up. There is no other medium in which the Joker is physically superior to Batman. Even if Heath came close to Bale, the way he carried himself made Joker look like a pretty feeble individual. Keaton had the face and the voice, but needed one hell of a body double.

Short sidenote: I recall a comparison between Batman '89 and Dark Knight done by Nostalgia Critic, someone I actually tend to agree with. But in this comparison he rated Keaton higher than Bale and one of his points was Keaton's 'smile': a grimace that was present in several scenes in both films. This drove me fucking bananas because the only recollections I have of Batman smiling in the source material are the 60's/70's-era Batman comics and Chaotic-Evil, Frank Miller Batman. Neither of those examples should be considered the most accurate portrayals considering their contexts. Batman doesn't smile. Period.

Speaking of Miller, there is something present in these films that even he didn't pull on Bats in even his darkest of Bat-stories: the tendency that Batman had to outright murder people.  

Fucking what?

An example:

So now that the Bam Bam Bigelow-looking mother fucker gets to go to Hell and tell Thomas and Martha Wayne that their only child is committing homicide in their name. Awesome job being a hero, Keaton.

Another example? Why not.

Here we have the climax of the first Batman film, during which Batman proceeds to open fire with military ordinance upon a CROWDED STREET, clearly killing Joker's thugs with extreme prejudice while missing the intended target of Joker himself. There is so much wrong with that statement, that I just...I don't even. I could go on for years about how wrong this was, how the death of Wayne's parents led to his extreme distaste for guns, how he would never endanger civilians in such a matter, etc. I think the big-picture point can be made with one question: if Batman kills people, then why is the Joker still alive? A mass-murdering homicidal maniac who has crippled or killed loved ones of Batman on several occasions in canon, who is impossibly unpredictable and incredibly intelligent and always manages to escape the maximumest of prisons.The answer is simple and might be one of the most important principles to the Batman mythos.

Batman doesn't kill people. I allowed this when I was little because I didn't know better. I grew up with it because nostalgia happens. But make no mistake, I know now. I accept that this is not all Keaton's fault, as I stated...so as a throwback to the last post I made, fuck you, Burton.

Batman #3: Val Kilmer (Batman Forever)

Looks like the Highway to the Danger Zone had some fast food joints on it, amirite?

While 'Forever' wasn't quite the mess that 'Batman & Robin' was, it is pretty much the origin story of one of the worst movies ever made, and for that I'll always have a love/hate relationship with it. However, Kilmer's performance as Batman was notable, and an interesting polar opposite to Clooney's performance that follows. This will be short because I made the point earlier: Bruce and Bats are two different people. Kilmer kind of dropped the ball in the Bruce side of things, being cold and distant not unlike Keaton before him. However, this guy looked like he could kick some serious ass in the cape and cowl, and proceeded to do so. He was ripped, intimidating, and as alienating as he could be while still being the good guy. His inner turmoil throughout the movie about maybe giving up as Batman kinda annoyed me in a whiny, Spider Man 2 sort of way; but it was a fairly realistic dispute to have and is far more acceptable to me than strapping lit dynamite on obese people.

The important thing to acknowledge (and be constantly reminded of by me ;) ) is that Batman is Bruce Wayne's real persona, and the Bruce Wayne that everyone knows is an act so that he isn't osterosized from the society he needs to manipulate to continue his work. Whether it was intentional or not, this movie featured a Bruce Wayne that just wasn't good at pretending to be that guy, as opposed to the first two films where it was clear that Bruce gave not two fucks about how he was viewed in society, or Batman & Robin, where Clooney's-gonna-Cloon.

Batman #2: Christian Bale (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises)

Yeah, even with the voice, Bale's awesome and people are stupid to argue.

The casting of Batman for the new series of films was crucial to help erase the memory of Batman & Robin, and Christian Bale fit the bill perfectly. After showing his ability to portray a wealthy businessman type in American Psycho, and displaying his action chops in Equilibrium, Bale was an obvious choice to don the cape and cowl, and with Nolan's direction and script made a damn near perfect Batman. He was an actor who had the physical attributes to show up Keaton and Clooney, and acting ability beyond the stiff, cold, Hayden Christensen-esque performance of Kilmer.

So let's get the bad out of the way: that fucking voice. But really, it's only SO bad because everything else was so good, made especially evident in The Dark Knight where the voice was really the only negative criticism that could be made. Also, at least he made a god damn attempt to disguise his voice. Keaton did a good job of it, but the other predecessors could not give a fuck. Kilmer's was at least just as bad as Bale's, and Clooney was, again, just being himself in a mask. Zero fucks given.

Outside of the voice, this was one of the most well-rounded Batman to ever grace a screen. Every element of the Dark Knight's persona has been referenced in one way or another in the Nolan movies thus far. We have the expert hand-to-hand combatant. Batman's ability to fight has always been demonstrated well in film, but this was the first time the films went into HOW he got so good. Same goes for those wonderful toys Nicholson referred to in the first Bat-film. While I have to say Keaton had better stuff, these films again showed how Bats got his shit. What sticks out to me though is that balancing act between Bruce and Batman that I talked about earlier. None of the films prior to these did it better. Bruce and Bats were clearly two different personas in these movies, and it was clear that Bruce was feigning interest in the social aspects and commitments of his life. He played the douchebag billionaire well while making it obvious to the audience that it was an act to save face.

Really, the only reason Bale isn't #1 is the voice, and with my favorite Caped Crusader, it's all about the voice.

Batman #1: Kevin Conroy (Batman The Animated Series, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, Justice League, Arkham Asylum/City)

Absolute perfection. 

Cartoons have always been able to portray comic books better than live film, and there is no better example then Batman TAS. The unique, dark retro style animation combined with Conroy's spot-on voice acting made this one of the best animated series of all time, and my favorite portrayal of the Dark Knight. The costume, mannerisms, and varying sides of Batman's personality and traits were all a perfect translation from the source material. The main reason for that, I think, is because the length of the series allowed to explore every aspect of the character, giving it an advantage over its live-action film counterparts. 

But like I said, it's all about the voice. There's a reason Conroy has been Batman's voice countless times. He's perfect at it. He's dark, gritty and threatening without being Bale's incomprehensible growling. And there's a significant difference between Batman and Bruce in the animated series, more so than Keaton. It's been said that Conroy is done doing Batman's voice after Arkham City's release, and I deeply hope that isn't the case; but if it is then Godspeed, Mr. Conroy. You did good. 

Welp, that's it, like it or not. I'd love to hear counterpoints, and would love even more to hear agreement from my readers so please feel free to have at it. I know that there are several other versions of Batman I didn't include, but holy christ this thing is long enough as is. I'm hoping to get at least one more post out in preparation for the big day, so you'll see that soon. Looking forward to seeing everyone at the theatre on Friday for the matinee...then the late afternoon show...then the evening show...then the late show. 

Knight Owl