I don't even need to get into the details of the actual movie because if you've seen a Tim Burton/Johnny Depp collaboration it turns out you've seen them all, hence my negative attitude towards the film and Burton's work in general. For the sake of proving a point, here's the jist of it: Johnny Depp is a creepy, eccentric loner who finds himself in a fish-out-of-water scenario, but becomes surrounded by people who grow endeared to him. Shit happens and Johnny Depp saves the day. The end. Now, I know that I glossed over specific plot points, but I assure you, they are arbitrary in the grand scheme of things because, well, just re-read that synopsis I just wrote. Got it? Good. Now reach back and think about ALL of Burton's past work. Don't feel like it? Haven't seen enough to get my point? Don't worry, I've done it for you:
- 1985, Pee Wee's Big Adventure: An ECCENTRIC (arguably CREEPY) LONER goes off on an adventure to retrieve stolen property. Hijinks ensue, and people become ENDEARED to said loner.
- 1988, Beetlejuice: An ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER(/asshole) is brought into our world from the underworld, resulting in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO, wherein he proceeds to fuck some shit up. Hate as I might, Beetlejuice is awesome.
- 1989, Batman: With the nostalgia goggles off, I hate this movie. So here, instead of having Bruce Wayne even remotely pretend to be the billionaire playboy he should be to limit suspicion on his nightly activities, he is portrayed as an ECCENTRIC, CREEPY LONER. More on this and the other Bat-movies leading up to DKR later.
- 1990, Edward Scissorhands: Enter Johnny Depp. An ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER is brought down from isolation to the suburbs, resulting in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER scenario that leads to the family he lives with becoming ENDEARED to him and him saving Winona Ryder's life, or something. Loved this movie growing up, and while I do still like it, I also can see it as the catalyst for the darkness yet to come.
- 1992, Batman Returns: See Batman, but with Christopher Walken and some sort of zombie Catwoman (Do Not Know If Want).
- 1994, Ed Wood: Haven't seen it, gonna go out on a limb here and assume that Johnny Depp plays director Ed Wood as an ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER, as per the law of averages.
- 1996, Mars Attacks!: Ensemble cast, so it doesn't really hit my point home, but the day is saved by a mopey teenage LONER and his grandma.
- 1999, Sleepy Hollow: Another BurDepp collaboration, wherein Depp is an ECCENTRIC LONER from the big city sent to a CREEPY village resulting in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO during which members of the town become ENDEARED to him and he saves the day.
- 2001, Planet of the Apes: Marky-Mark crash lands on a planet where Apes rule over uncivilized humans, placing him in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO during which both apes and humans become ENDEARED to him and he helps save the day and/or feel the vibrations.
- 2003, Big Fish: In maybe Burton's most 'normal' work to date, an ECCENTRIC old man reminisces with his son about his life, in what appears to be a stranger version of Forrest Gump.
- 2005, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Another BurDepp work, and guess what? Depp is an ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER looking to hire a child into his factory. Nice.
- 2005, Corpse Bride: Johnny Depp's voice is brought to the CREEPY underworld to marry a ghost or something, resulting in more than one FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO, between him in the underworld and her being in the alive-person world. Nightmare Before Christmas, this is not.
- 2007, Sweeney Todd: A typical BurDepp work, but with music!
- 2010, Alice in Wonderland: Here, Alice is the LONER in a FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO where she encounters a CREEPY ECCENTRIC Mad Hatter played by...(spoilers)...Johnny Depp.
...bringing us to Dark Shadows. I wonder if Mr. Burton is trying to say something about himself being an ECCENTRIC CREEPY LONER IN A FISH-OUT-OF-WATER SCENARIO, wherein people become ENDEARED to him through his films.
I am now tired and sad that this is the reality of it because I can remember being a fan of some of both Burton and Depp; and, to be fair, some of this stuff might not be bad if it wasn't a regurgitation of a previous film. I'm not really hating on Depp because he's done lots of good outside of the Burton Cycle of Sadness. Fear and Loathing is awesome. The first three Pirates movies were entertaining (while the fourth one makes me facepalm). But for the past couple of years, whenever I see a poster with Depp on it and 'A Tim Burton Film' under him I instantly go, 'Gee, I wonder what this film could be about, herp derp.'
What really bugs me is that no other film maker of his level of notoriety can, or would, even try to pull this shit off. When Michael Fucking Bay (probably literally his middle name) has more variety in his works with more than ten titles less than you, you should be ashamed of yourself. Most directors might try to get out one good piece of self-indulgence and then move on, and Burton did it better than most with Scissorhands, which arguably was his best work. That does not mean you get to reproduce that same movie over and over again because every time you step out of your creepy-eccentric-loner box, it's viewed as a failure.
Let's look at the films that seem the least Burton-ed: Beetlejuice, arguably, and it was early enough in his career that Burton didn't have the chance to develop his bad habits. Then on to Mars Attacks and Big Fish but let's face it, those movies are like Jackie Brown is to Tarantino: no one is going to remember him for those movies. Speaking of which, I find that Tarantino is an interesting contrast to Burto, because while you can definitely tell a film is made by either director by the look, the dialogue or the music, Tarantino's films are different enough that they don't feel like watching Reservoir Dogs on repeat. I get and even appreciate that directors have a distinctive style to their films which sets them apart from the herd, but Burton has created his own goddamn herd and that's no good.
Let's look at the films that seem the least Burton-ed: Beetlejuice, arguably, and it was early enough in his career that Burton didn't have the chance to develop his bad habits. Then on to Mars Attacks and Big Fish but let's face it, those movies are like Jackie Brown is to Tarantino: no one is going to remember him for those movies. Speaking of which, I find that Tarantino is an interesting contrast to Burto, because while you can definitely tell a film is made by either director by the look, the dialogue or the music, Tarantino's films are different enough that they don't feel like watching Reservoir Dogs on repeat. I get and even appreciate that directors have a distinctive style to their films which sets them apart from the herd, but Burton has created his own goddamn herd and that's no good.
But really, it seems that the one movie Burton keeps remaking with different versions of the same character is one that people feel the need to see. He keeps making money hand-over-fist on the same script, which has now been retrofitted for the remakes/reboots fad. When I heard Tim Burton was doing the Planet of the Apes remake back in the day, I was like "FUCKING WHAT?" Turned out the movie was pretty much crap but was in Burton's wheelhouse. Since then, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland and Dark Shadows are all Burton films that are based upon previous works that conveniently fit Burton's formula. So now he's gotten lazy about his laziness. Really, Tim? REALLY? Making matters worse is that now he's doing Frankenweenie later this summer, which is a reproduction of HIS OWN WORK! I wonder if the main character is going to be CREEPY and/or ECCENTRIC. Fuck my life, and fuck Tim Burton.
If he remakes Beetlejuice next, I'm finding him and driving a stake through his goth heart. Try me, Burton. I already have the stake.
Knight Owl
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